I have felt so many changes within myself since Bracken’s birth. Changes that today’s world doesn’t always have a language for. I feel inspired to write about them, but first, let me back up a little to give a bigger picture of these changes.
I’ve always been aware, open and “sensitive” throughout my life, which I feel we all naturally are, but that most people automatically block it early on. My family knows that in my teenage years I had a pretty tough time. I felt painfully aware of too many things so I tried to numb myself with alcohol and became self destructive. I didn’t understand what I was feeling and I didn’t have a language to express it or anyone around who I felt understood what I was going through. I just didn’t feel like I “fit in” anywhere. I felt completely out of place and even though I loved my family and knew they loved me, I felt a deep and painful loneliness. During that really dark time in my life, my spirit came through. It started slowly leading the way. And I experienced miracles. My guardian angel saved me on many occasions. I experienced things that I didn’t feel like I could share. I saw spirits and angels (but since I was in such a bad place I mostly tuned in to negative things, which scared me.) I was overly tuned in to so many people that it was overwhelming. I felt stuck in an icky muck- a world of black and white. But my spirit woke me up and gravitated me towards what I needed to heal. I found a few books that really clicked and began giving me a little bit of a language and understanding. I realized that if I kept making my choices based on what others wanted for me, that I was going to live my life being a miserable person. So I followed my heart to Oregon. I didn’t have any plans or really knew what I wanted or what I was doing. I just went anyway because my heart told me to and it was the only thing that was making any sense to me.
I met Jeff. (I share some of this story in a previous blog post- A Real Life Love Story .) The very first night I met him- he understood me to my very soul without me having to say a word. But I said a lot of words anyway because I had a lifetime of talking I needed to do and finally someone to talk to who knew just what I meant. We were like two magnets and it didn’t take long before I moved in with him because we simply couldn’t be apart. I began healing in a miraculous way. Being in the country and having so much alone time was exactly what my soul needed to heal. I soaked up the trees, the sky, the sun and the joy came into my life in waves. I began loving myself and taking good care of myself. Eating nourishing, whole, real food that made me feel better and better all the time. I felt more energetic. My thoughts felt clearer. I felt lighter. I laughed easier. I felt more like myself than I ever had before. Jeff and I danced and sang together, it felt like I was truly living life for the first time. The world opened up and was bursting with bright color. I began experiencing more angels and earth spirits instead of the muck I was tuning into before. He filled that hole of loneliness with pure, bright love and I was loving every minute.
I had very little contact with the outside world for awhile because I felt like I needed to be in a cocoon to heal. But as I was loving towards myself and took care of myself, my aura became strong, healthy, and bright. And I became ready to re-emerge into the world a little. We started selling our art at the market and enjoyed getting to know new people once a week. Then we could retreat back into the woods. Then I joined facebook and started reconnecting with people I loved. I started a blog and started sharing my heart and soul with the world. It sometimes felt scary to share so much of myself when I felt there might be people who were judgmental of me and didn’t understand. And yes, there were some of those people. But there were also people who were loving and supportive and I made so many new and wonderful friends and connections. And as I got healthier and my heart continued to open more, I began caring less about what other people thought. I was even more aware than I ever used to be, but I had built up the natural protection that allowed me to handle that awareness- my aura. I focused on gratitude, my spirit came through more strongly and I was learning so much about what my needs were and what I needed to do to take care of myself.
When I was pregnant with Bracken (and for a long time prior) I took really good care of myself. Because of this care, I had a wonderful pregnancy and felt great. I was energetic, joyful, and was learning many lessons to prepare me to be a mother. His birth was a powerful, life-changing, transforming, empowering, magical experience and I learned a lot. (I wrote about his birth here: Bracken’s Birth .) My energy centers opened and I could feel my energy body in a way I’d never experienced before. My aura felt different. It felt like it included both Bracken and I. I needed him near me all the time and it was painful if he was away. I felt like I had an energetic hole in my belly. I felt exhausted and more vulnerable than usual. My aura didn’t feel as strong so I didn’t feel I had as much protection. I knew I needed to be completely away from the world for awhile. I shared the news with my parents, but then I was hardly on the phone at all. I don’t even know how long it was before I turned the computer on again. Time was different.
Jeff completely took care of our every need. We looked at Bracken with tears in our eyes because we were so in awe. The three of us were wrapped up in love, snuggled together in bliss. It felt exactly as it was meant to be. It gave us time to just enjoy Bracken and I didn’t need to worry about a thinner aura because I was safely tucked away in our nest. I looked around and felt like I comfortably “fit in” for the first time. I had finally found my “place” in life, my purpose, where I felt an immense feeling of belonging. This realization sunk in and felt so good to my very bones.
We got acclimated to the world slowly. A few family visitors. A few friends. Small groups, low key. Outings to the midwives. Trips to town where Jeff and I took turns staying in the car with Bracken and running into stores. Then Holiday Market (where we sell our art.) I would nurse Bracken under his wool blanket and then he would fall asleep (and go back and forth for most of the day.) We did this for most of the market days, so he would only have short periods to be awake and experience market (without having stimulus overload for such a small baby.) Plus, if he was out watching everything- he wouldn’t sleep. We also carried him on our bellies in the Ergo Carrier.
During pregnancy your senses tend to be heightened. Smell and taste were definitely heightened for me, and I’m sure other senses were too. Since the birth I’ve also experienced heightened senses. And I feel even more aware of the energies around me. But my aura has not quite built back up yet to protect me so I feel all of these things strongly within my body. I have felt a little too open to the world. A great way to describe it is like a turtle without a shell. I’ve felt a little more quiet and subdued, a little less social. I’m still building my shell back up. It seems like all of a mother’s energy is being poured into her baby and that leaves less energy for other things. When talking to Jeff about the energetic changes after birth he brought up a great point. He said that it allows mothers to be “wide open” so that they can experience the world from the perspective of their baby. Wow. That felt like an epiphany for me. These changes in mothers make it so mothers naturally retreat for awhile after the birth, which is what is best for mother and baby. It makes mothers more discerning about the energies they surround themselves with because they are so much more sensitive to everything, which protects their baby. Babies are so completely wide open to everything, they rely on their caretakers for complete protection. Perhaps these energetic changes after birth are nature’s way of helping mothers care for their babies in the best possible way.
I am asking so many questions now and am so curious about the energetic changes during pregnancy, birth, and after and how it all works.
What are your experiences with this? I would love to hear them!