Awhile ago I prayed for guidance about how we could simplify and what we could let go of to make our life easier. I felt that Jeff and I were stretched too thin and we were overwhelmed. It was hard to find a balance when there were so many different directions that needed our attention and energy. We needed focus and clarity. We needed to simplify our life. I had the urge to throw out all of our belongings and move into a tiny yurt (but then I found out how much yurts cost.) I just wanted less “stuff” and more peace.
When I prayed, the guidance that came to me was to let go of some of our animals. The response was gentle and I felt it as a calm peace in my heart.
But I didn’t want to hear that answer, and thought I’m not willing to let go of any of our animals. Isn’t there something else we can let go of? But I couldn’t think of anything. So I waited.
You might remember we weren’t milking our goats this year because of a dairy allergy. Well, when we decided not to milk the goats, I knew they needed a purpose here if we were going to keep them. And I was very determined to keep them. I thought that if we could let them free-range around the perimeter, they would eat invasive species, keep weeds down, and provide most of their own food so the cost would be relatively low in buying feed.We wanted to let them free-range, but they kept reaching over fences and eating plants in the garden. We were busy with our business so we didn’t have time to do all the fence work that needed to be done to let them roam. So we payed for hay and feed from the feed store until we could get things ready to let them free-range again. In the meantime, we tried staking them out to clear areas we wanted to plant. They wailed the whole time, it didn’t go so well. We thought they might get used to it in time, but didn’t think our neighbors appreciated the ruckus very much.
In the back of my mind, I struggled with guilt because I didn’t feel I could give them the care I wanted to after Bracken was born. It was a lot of work to care for Bracken every moment of every day, and try to give whatever was left to our home, laundry, cooking, and business (not to mention my dear husband!) I went too long without trimming hooves because it wasn’t something I could do with Bracken in the pack (and that’s how I can get things done around here.) Plus, I needed to get Fennel tame before I could even trim hers and that was something that required time that I didn’t feel I had. I did get all their hooves trimmed, but not as often as I liked to.
When I felt I needed help, I prayed for guidance again. And the same answer came. But for some reason it was painful for me to hear and I just wasn’t ready.
I wondered how the pioneers did it. I kept expecting that magically I would just have unlimited energy and time and be able to do everything I did before Bracken was born, plus so much more, like some sort of super-woman.
So Jeff and I re-did a bunch of fences. We let the goats free-range once more. They found their way over and through spots, eating some nibbles in the garden. We patched those spots. We accidentally left a gate open one day and thankfully discovered it before the goats did. They could have destroyed our entire garden, that we had put so much time and energy into, in a matter of minutes. That was sobering. I just said “okay, we can never let that happen again!” As long as we were diligent in keeping all the gates shut, I thought we had finally found a way to justify keeping the goats.
Then Jeff called me out back one day to show me the hillside where they had been eating. I thought he was just worrying too much. Then I saw it. Yikes. All the plant life was gone and it was a muddy mess, sure to cause a major erosion problem in the midst of our rainy winters. I felt frustrated. Why didn’t they just graze evenly over the land instead of over-grazing one tiny area? I walked around and saw that my dream of them happily free-ranging the land, keeping the weeds down and the invasive species at bay, was not a reality. The reality was that they were damaging the land. They were over-grazing and destroying certain areas. It wasn’t good for the land, being that we are on a mountainside vulnerable to erosion, rather than flat pasture land where we could rotate them to prevent over-grazing. It wasn’t sustainable, our whole goal in all we do here.
We put them back in their yard, giving them hay and feed we bought. We had some pets in a pen. It wasn’t the life I wanted them to have. I dreamed of green pastures, while they ate with happily wagging tails.
It was time for me to do some inner-searching.
I asked myself why I was so reluctant to have them go? Literally, every time I even lingered my thoughts on it for even a moment, it made me almost burst into tears. I was surprised by my strong emotional reaction about it all.
If you asked me my favorite farm animal, I’d say goats (although I haven’t raised sheep yet and they might be up there.) I’d tell you I was a “goat person” (not sure what that means exactly other than I just really really like goats.) If someone brought up goats I could talk about them nonstop, until the person was completely bored or right there with me. I dreamed of having Bracken grow up with goats here. I dreamed of my idea of the perfect homestead, and goats were definitely a part of that dream. I dreamed of being able to -maybe, someday, perhaps- milk them again and enjoy the homemade cheese once more. I loved milking them first thing in the morning, singing while the sound of milk squirted against the glass container. I loved filtering the warm milk and making kefir. I loved blending garden herbs in the homemade cheese and eating it by the spoonful. I loved taking the goats on hikes up in the woods. I felt a soul connection with them, like I’d herded goats in the mountains for lifetimes and found them to be the dearest company. I could be quiet with them. They were my friends, my companions. They were our family.
My identity, how I saw myself, was intertwined with goats. They felt like a part of me. Bree was our very first goat, with a lovable personality. Faun had one of the gentlest spirits I’d ever known. Bree and Faun were so endeared to our hearts. Fennel was delightfully spunky. We hadn’t known her long, but she made us laugh. Having their company nearby was always a comfort to me. Our homestead didn’t seem as much like a “farm” to me without goats, which I knew was a silly thought, but I felt it nonetheless.
I thought about all these things. I knew in my heart of hearts that I wanted a better life for them than to be in a small yard for the rest of their life. I wanted this land to be well cared for and our actions to be as sustainable as possible. And I wanted less responsibility and more peace for Jeff and I.
What was I so afraid to let go of? Ideas of the way I wanted things to be.
So I made my decision to let them go. I was finally ready.
A part of me still resisted, but I told myself ‘I’m embracing change!’
The next step was to find them a new home. I prayed for help finding them a good home and finding it easily (and I prayed a neighbor would take them.) I knew we could make money from selling them on Craigslist. Could we use the money? Absolutely. But I truly wanted them to go to a friend so we could still see them. And I wanted the three of them to stay together. I knew someone on Craigslist might just want the milker and not the others, having the possibility that they would be separated. I knew they belonged together. I didn’t care about the money. I just wanted them to be somewhere I could feel good about.
So I followed my feeling. I called our friends/neighbors at our very favorite organic blueberry farm. I asked if they would be interested in giving a home to our dear goats. Mike said it was such a coincidence because his family was just talking about how they wanted to get some goats! He needed to talk to them more about it and think about it.
He called me back a few days later and his answer was yes! On Friday, we drove to their farm with the goats in back. When we got there, we led Bree, Faun, and Lucy to their new yard. It was huge! It was sunny, open and full of good things to eat. There was a barn full of hay from that very land. We couldn’t have asked for a better place for them than a peaceful blueberry farm nestled in the mountains. The goats started eating right away. I could tell Bree was adjusting the quickest. Even though I was so grateful for their new home, driving away was sad for me. I could see how startled they were (especially Faun) and how scared they were about the abrupt change.
When we came home it was quiet. So quiet. No ducks. (It wasn’t as hard to let go of the ducks since I wasn’t attached to them like I was the goats.) No goats. A pervading silence. I felt sadness, but mostly I felt a relief that surprised me. I was relieved to have the “weight off my shoulders”, to have one less thing that needed my energy, attention, and care. Relief to no longer be struggling against the “current”. That’s when the exhaustion set in and I realized how much I had been carrying for so very long. I realized how busy everything had been, since Bracken’s birth and even before. We’d been going going going.
I wanted inward time to renew my spirit.
There are things I will miss so much. But I will cherish the memories forever.
I’ll visit the gals. I’ll bring them treats. I’ll watch them eat while I fill my bucket with blueberries (their yard is visible from the blueberry field.) I’ll tell Bracken about the first birth I ever witnessed (Bree’s.) I’ll tell him how they used to try to give him kisses when he was a baby.
And before long, he’ll be feeding them treats too.
I am embracing change.
so happy that your beautiful goaties went to such a wonderful new home…
and though i know you miss them, so glad that you’re getting the relief you and your land both need…
i’m so happy i got the chance to meet them! maybe i’ll get to see them again if we go blueberry picking…
big hugs!
It is amazing how the changes that cause so much agony of thought, can bring such a sense of peace once you break through to the other side. It showed a loving heart……….that is never a bad thing! I am very happy that the goats remain a part of your world. Your doing a great job, and balance is so important! It is great you found this out while your young!
Thank you all for your thoughtful comments! I am so blessed to be surrounded by your support. Each and every comment means so much to me!
So happy you don’t have to say goodbye forever, what a blessing to go check in them from time to time. I understand yor attatchment to them, they are such loyal loving animals.I am a goat person to, but live in inner Portland so, no room, maybe someday:)
I am so glad you found a home for your goats with a friend.
Sometimes change is hard, but I know what you mean about time to step back and letting your body regenerate. I feel like that at the moment. Work at the hospital is so very, very busy. I am exhausted.
Sometimes I would love to get rid of everything and live in a yurt. I could so happily do it. I would not miss my comforts, I would have all I need. Anyway, now is not the time, but definitely time for an early night and some lovely sleep.
Love and blessings to you Taryn.
Awe, So sweet Taryn. We also live on very steep land that prevents us from keeping animals as easily as we would like. Its not that it can’t be done but the set up is much more challenging. When we first moved here 3 years ago we struggled with using what was already here. In the end it just wasn’t worth it for us or for the animals. So until we have the time and resources to fix the situation we’re down to our two dogs and a cat. I completely understand your relief and I’m so happy that you found a place near by. Thank you for sharing.
Good for you. I am also going through something like this. I have too many animals. And as much as I love chickens and their eggs, I getSO annoyed at them all over the place. Getting into everything and stinking up the place. I have 4 goats, 2 I am milking. And 4 sheep. And a cow that I have had since she was a day old. She’s 3 this month and had her 1st calf in March. I am thinking of selling them. And now I have a Border Collie pup that someone dropped off last week. Lots of stress there. She has already gotten into the sheep pasture twice. Poor sheep. So now need to find a trainer for her. And me! So I can see where I need to do some serios thinking and praying and changing. For my well being. I’m so happy for you that you found such a greta place for your girls. ANd who knows, in the future, there may be more there.
You write so beautifully, Taryn. Reading this brought tears to my eyes. I love your process! I am just so proud of you!
Heather
Oh, I so understand! I am going through similar things right now with my goats. Why I never thought to pray about it is beyond me! I have had my goats for 4 years. Thank you for sharing your heart ~it helps me to think my own situation through. I love my girls, but also feel that I am going against the flow more often than not. Take care! Thank you!
Wow, that’s quite a story, with big and deep symbolism — the letting go of what’s near and dear so that you can move into a space that fits oh-so-much-better. Interesting – I wonder… perhaps the goats were helping you guys move into this new space.
You obviously have such a soul connection with goats, and these goats in particular, that they were perhaps doing the very most loving thing (on a high level) by being uncooperative, wailing when tethered, and overgrazing and damaging the land. Perhaps that was all to help you guys and your farm move into the space it simply needed to move into…a space that fits you better now in this season of your life.
And it sounds like the organic blueberry farm (with you as a visitor!!!) is a much better life for them too, and so the transition was hard (they always are) but in the end it’s to everyone’s benefit. Though I’m sure you’ll still miss them…change is so hard. (I wish I were better with change!!)
But I’m so glad you feel peace and that a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. That’s such a freeing feeling.
Thank you so much for sharing this story!!
Blessings,
Lindsey
We recently sold our first goats, and it was totally hard, but yes, a relief after they were gone. It took me a long time to come to a place where I could sell them, it tugged at my heart so. But I’m glad that they’ve gone to wonderful new homes and I get email updates from the buyers from time to time.
Funny, isn’t it, how sometimes we KNOW what we need to do, and yet we just have such a hard time doing it. Then, when it is finally done, all feels right and good.
I am impressed by how well thought out and well considered your decision was.
I hope the very best for you, and the goats, as this transition takes hold. =)
Good for you. Yes, it is often heart-wrenching to let go, but it sounds like they have a wonderful new home. 🙂
So happy they have a fantastic new home that was an answer to your prayers! 🙂