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Wow, what a trip! Where do I start? I guess, where did I leave off? On Thursday I wrote a little about seeing their world. My sister Sam and brother in law Thomas live in a little town in Wyoming called Lander. I got to meet their dog Tucker, see the cute house they’re living in, drive by both of the places where they work (would have gone in, but Bracken needed a nap), and got to see (and eat at) their favorite restaurant. It was a really neat little town and seeing Sam and Thomas there, they seemed so in their element. It’s just the place they’re meant to be right now, which was really clear seeing them there.

We stayed two nights in a hotel in Lander. The first night Bracken and I stayed in a room with my mom and the next night we stayed in a room with my grandma. I got to meet my mom’s boyfriend, Len, though I felt like I already knew him since I’m so close to my mom and had heard all about him. Then it was time to head further out in the mountains and get things ready for the wedding. 

On the drive there we stopped to take a few pictures where the view is breathtaking. 

This one is one of my all time favorites. So much sweetness with two of my loves.

You can see he wasn’t totally excited to be taking pictures with mama right then (he wanted to be running around and escaping having to sit any longer in the car.)

The happy couple. Two really awesome people.

Then we started driving again. There were cows and this one just started getting out of the middle of the road as we passed. The views on this drive were stunning. My mom and grandma were not enjoying the drive all that much, truth be told, because they both get incredibly nervous on winding mountain roads. My mom was doing a great job driving, but was in a constant state of anxiety so to lighten the mood my sister and I were cracking jokes. My mom probably would have just preferred the quiet. 

At one point my sister turned to her and said “Mom, are you okay?” 

 My mom didn’t answer. 

To be funny, I said “Mom, mom, are you okay? If you can hear us, move your pinky finger.”  

Well, she moved a finger, but it wasn’t her pinky! She knew that would make us laugh and she was right- we all started cracking up at that point.

Then we arrived at Loius Lake Lodge. The lake was shimmering in the sun and it felt so peaceful there. I could see immediately why they chose it for their wedding.

This was the cabin where Bracken and I stayed with my grandma. It was dark inside and only two of my pictures turned out. I wanted to show you the old cast iron cook stove and the log bed frames. It was a really neat little cabin. There was no electricity or running water. It was so quiet. (And the stars at night were amazing.) The building next to our cabin had some bathrooms that we shared with other cabins.

The first night we slept in our cabin, I heard something loud in our room. I knew a rodent was in there, but it was being so loud it sounded big. And it was making so much noise, it sounded like it was going through our bags or something. Finally I saw a tiny mouse scurry across the floor a few times. I wanted to squeal. But I didn’t want to wake up Bracken. I hoped my grandma wouldn’t hear it because I didn’t want her to have a hard time sleeping. The next morning, though, when I told her about our nighttime visitor, it turns out that she’s not afraid of mice. Here I was thinking I would bravely endure the mouse and hope she wouldn’t hear it, I was the only one afraid of the little thing! I thought if my grandma isn’t afraid of a mouse, why should I be? She’s inspiring me. (But I’ll probably still squeal next time I see one.)

This was the lodge. Right when we got there, lots of people set to work unloading the wedding stuff into the lodge. There were a few rooms for people to stay in there. Two of Sam and Thomas’ friends, Amy and Dani, got busy right away in the kitchen making cupcakes and a cake for the wedding. There was no electricity so they used a generator. They worked for a long time getting them all made. (They turned out so amazing, no one could believe they were homemade.) People put up decorations inside and strung lights around the front porch. Outside were lanterns, candles, and torches. They set up tables out front and it’s where the reception took place. This picture is before any of that happened. I wish you could see how beautiful it all was when it was finished.

I needed this reminder the whole trip.

This is Bracken playing with a giant pinecone with his friend (the pinecones were brought by my dad and stepmom for the wedding decor and these guys had permission to play with them, gently that is.) It was great having a little guy similar in age to Bracken, staying right next to us. They had fun together.

This is baby Leo with his dad Pete, in the lodge. I thought this picture was so adorable and shared it with my stepsister Rachelle (the proud mom.)

My grandma took this picture of Bracken and I in front of our cabin before the rehearsal dinner. Luckily I had leggings and tall socks for the wedding rehearsal because it was windy and chilly by the lake.

At the wedding rehearsal I had my camera at just the right moment to get this picture of Thomas and his dad Jim. I love it.

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And how did the wedding rehearsal go? 

Well, you might remember that Bracken was supposed to be the ring bearer. 

At home I do my best to balance our busy days away with more downtime at home. Our home time is always busy too, but allows more time for Bracken to re balance. Bracken has a pretty consistent nap time schedule. It gets thrown off here and there, but too many days in a row of that makes it hard for him. By that point in the trip, Bracken was getting pretty exhausted and at the end of his rope. He needed some rest and a little quiet time probably, amidst all the activity. I did my best to get him down for naps throughout the trip. 

During the rehearsal, he was walking behind me, holding GG’s hand. He wanted me to hold him and looking in his eyes, I knew it wasn’t going to go well (with him walking behind me down the aisle, that is.) I did my best to continue on anyway. When I was standing up front, by Sam and Thomas, I turned around to see Bracken throwing a fit. He took the ring bearer pillow and threw it on the ground. Then he preceded to plop down in the dirt and make a ruckus. My grandma picked up the pillow and brought it down the aisle. We were all supposed to continue on with the rehearsal and not pay any attention. I was supposed to keep standing up there. But Bracken was crying for me and I knew he wouldn’t stop until I calmed him down. It was so hard for me to see him so upset in an unfamiliar place, surrounded by so many people he didn’t know, just wanting to be comforted by me. It took everything I had not to break down and start crying right then. Then he came running over to me and he lost his shoe in the process (which was retrieved and brought over to us.) I held him and rocked him, but by that point he was so worked up I couldn’t get him to quiet down. There were different reactions. I felt terrible about it. The way some people looked at me made me want to hide under a rock. There were some opinions shared and some comments that hurt my feelings. My mom and grandma saw the humor in it and tried to get me to laugh. I couldn’t really laugh at that point. I was feeling so sensitive the whole trip and not as strong in myself. I wished I had thicker skin (like I’ve wished so many times in my life), but I didn’t. I did my best to hold it together. Before the rehearsal dinner that night I had to go off and cry. And when something would trigger the tears again, I breathed through it. (Looking back at it all now it doesn’t seem like such a big deal, but that’s how I felt at the time.) I didn’t want my sister to know I was so upset. I wanted to be a constant calm and support by her side. I wanted her and Thomas to enjoy their night completely, with no worries. I just told her (because she can take one look at me and know if something’s up) that I felt bad about the way the rehearsal went and she said it was no big deal. She said we’d scratch the ring bearer idea, that is was just something we were trying out in the first place, just to see. She reassured me that everything would be alright. And I thought it was pretty funny that my sister, the soon to be bride, was so calm and collected and was the one reassuring me. Wasn’t I supposed to be doing that? 

Truth is, after the rehearsal, I was a nervous wreck about the wedding day. The plan was that I would be standing next to Sam in the wedding and that I would be holding Bracken the whole time. There were people he could have sat with of course, but at that point I didn’t want to risk it. I just wanted the wedding to go smoothly and I didn’t want my child making a ruckus during it! But I was worried: how was I going to keep Bracken calm and quiet the whole time? I was really nervous.

This is a view from the balcony of the restaurant where the rehearsal dinner was. It was a a beautiful space. I got to see so many relatives and friends I hadn’t seen in a long time.

My mom came and snapped this picture of me getting my hair done on the wedding day. Bracken came and sat in my lap here and there, while it was getting done. Then he’d go play with his grandpa Bob for awhile before visiting me again. Then Sam did my makeup.

Bracken all dressed up for the big day.

And how did it go?

Sam and Thomas’ wedding was the most beautiful wedding I’ve ever seen. 

Everything about it was so sweet and beautiful. 

Their pastor Matt spoke so fondly of them and really touched the crowd with his words. 

And how did Bracken do? He dismantled my lavender bouquet. He started by pulling out one piece of lavender at a time and then started pulling out hand fulls until it was covering the ground. Then he wanted to go throw the lavender in the lake, which he did twice. My first objective was to keep him quiet. (So I was okay with the lavender dismantling if it kept him occupied.) My second objective was to keep him from distracting everybody else in the wedding. Walking over to the water definitely did that, so I picked him back up. With nothing to occupy him, he started getting antsy and started to fuss. He was begging me for nap time (he hadn’t had a nap that day) and I was whispering in his ear to keep him calm. I looked at my mom in the front row. She was ready to help in a moment’s notice. We had a Plan A and a Plan B, just in case. We didn’t end up needing them, thank goodness. The wedding was over and we walked up the aisle. I breathed a huge sigh of relief that I hadn’t ruined their wedding. I know, I couldn’t have ruined it, it was so beautiful and would have been so no matter what. But I was still relieved I hadn’t been responsible for a ruckus during it.

Then Sam and Thomas got into their canoe and paddled across the lake to the reception at the lodge, while everyone else got in their cars and drove over.

To know Sam and Thomas, you’d know how perfect this wedding was for them. They are so outdoorsy. They’ve traveled around the world together. They’ve hiked, and rock climbed, and biked, and kayaked and camped, and have had all sorts of adventures together. Seeing them all dressed up one moment (my sister was such a gorgeous, radiant bride) and then paddling in a canoe the next moment seemed so natural.

When we got back, Bracken was so tired and I knew it was time for him to take a nap. I got him down for a nap in our cabin. But then I wondered what to do since I needed to get over to the lodge. It was social hour and soon it would be dinner. One of my dearest friends, Heather, that I hadn’t seen in years was going to have to leave right after dinner and I hadn’t had a chance to talk with her much yet. I had plans to meet with her. I had the inspiration to put my Ergo over my bridesmaid dress (thank goodness I packed it) and I carefully put Bracken in it, hoping he’d stay asleep. He did. I slowly and carefully walked from our cabin over to the lodge, so I wouldn’t wake him. Then I stood back from the noise (so it wouldn’t wake him) and stayed at the edge of all the activity. I looked out over the crowd, hearing the murmur of voices and watching the afternoon sun lighting everything up. I saw my friend looking for me and I watched her until she saw me and I could make eye contact. My mom saw me too and I told her I would be standing out of the crowd for a bit, to keep Bracken asleep as long as possible. My mom and grandma were so loving and supportive during the whole trip, I don’t know what I would have done without them, they were so helpful in so many ways. It’s so much easier to feel strong in yourself when you’re at home, when you’re in your element and surrounded by people who truly know you, but once I get around large groups of people where I feel out of place, I have a hard time filtering everything I sense. It seemed so clear who judged me and who loved me and my loved ones helped me more than I could ever say. It was a good reminder how important it is to not care what others think of us, but I found myself falling into that.

My friend came over and we had the most wonderful conversation. I rocked Bracken while we spoke and the day was so beautiful, talking with her felt otherworldly. When we looked into each others eyes we were seeing each others spirits and our talk filled my heart up and made me laugh. I felt so grateful to have such supportive people in my life. 

Then Bracken woke up. I had hoped he would sleep longer. I brought him to the bathroom. He wanted to keep napping, his nap hadn’t been long, but he wanted out of the pack. We headed over to take some pictures with my dad’s side of the family and then it was time for dinner. Bracken was fussy and cranky. He wanted food, but it was time for the toasts first (and the food we brought him he didn’t want.) My mom stood up and gave her toast. It made me cry of course. Then my sister’s best friend, Amy, gave hers. In the middle Bracken started getting too loud and I had to walk and bring him away from the crowd to keep him from keeping others from hearing it. I wanted to hear it and I was so disappointed. I love listening to toasts. I was frustrated. Bracken is sensitive like me and sometimes it’s just so hard being so sensitive. Plus little ones have no filter. So much stimulus mixed with him needing more sleep made for him running out of patience. Mine started wearing thin too. Then we stood out on the edge, where we could barely hear and I rocked him. I knew I would have loved Amy’s speech (luckily I asked her if I could read it later and she let me borrow it and I loved it.) Then Thomas’ brother Michael gave a touching speech. And then their friend Mitch (I could only hear part of that one.)

And then? 

Surprise! 

I walked to the front of the crowd with a tired and cranky Bracken on my hip. 

I should back up at this point and explain that Sam had asked me early on if I would be interested in giving a toast at their wedding. She didn’t figure I’d want to because she didn’t think I’d like to speak in front of crowd, but she wanted to offer anyway. She was right. I told her I would write them a toast because I am so much better at expressing myself with the written word than with speaking. 

But then the morning of the wedding I woke up super early. The cabin was dark. Bracken and my grandma were still sleeping. And the speech came flowing right into my head. It was like I wasn’t even writing it, it was writing itself. It went over and over and over in my head. And I knew I would stand up and give them a toast. 

The only person I told was my mom. Right before she gave her toast, I whispered to her that I might give a toast for Sam and Thomas, but that Bracken was being so cranky I didn’t know if he would cooperate and if I’d even be able to do it. 

Well, as I watched Mitch’s toast end, I knew that if I didn’t walk up there right away I would miss my opportunity. And I knew if I didn’t stand up and give them a toast, I would regret it for the rest of my life. So I was determined to do it, whether Bracken cooperated or not. I walked to the front. I remember how surprised Sam looked when she looked at me. 

And then I started. I started crying right from the beginning, the tears didn’t even wait till I was part way through. My legs were shaking uncontrollably. I forgot everything I was going to say, what had flowed into my head that morning. I winged it. I spoke what came out and looked into Sam and Thomas’ eyes the whole time. 

Afterwards, some looks made me wonder if I had just made a total fool of myself. But it didn’t matter. Because I did it for Sam and Thomas. It wasn’t for anyone else, it was for them. When I came back to our table, “my people” gave me love and support. I said “I forgot everything I was going to say!” My grandma looked at me and said “It doesn’t matter, you spoke right from your heart in the moment and that’s better than any speech you could have written.” Bless her.

We ate our food. We danced. And danced.

I changed out of my dress and put band aids on my feet.
The dancing was so much fun. The sillier the better. 

There was a bonfire.

Bracken went to sleep in his button up shirt. I had bobby pins poking me in the head all night long. (I didn’t even take my hair out before I went to sleep.) The next day we said our goodbyes and headed to the airport. We stopped for some breakfast and met more of Sam and Thomas’ friends we hadn’t got a chance to talk to at the wedding. We shared a table with them. It was so easy to be instant friends with people from Sam and Thomas’ wedding, you could say “Aren’t Sam and Thomas so awesome?” and they’d day “Yeah” and then you’d all start going on about how great they are. It was a great group of people they brought together.

We stopped by the grocery store for a minute on our way to the airport and I grabbed a little bag of peeled carrots and an apple for the plane. The plane on the way back was so tiny, you could barely walk through the aisle. There was one chair on each side. As soon as I walked in I thought ‘Jeff would not have been able to fly in this!’ I felt so claustrophobic I had to keep myself breathing deeply the whole time. The turbulence reminded me of a amusement park ride. Bracken wanted more and more carrots and I wanted to keep him happy on the plane ride. We had to run across the airport to our next flight. If it wouldn’t have been for this or that- a matter of seconds- we wouldn’t have made it. The door had just shut as we got there. We banged on the window and they let us on. It was a miracle. We hollered goodbye to my mom as we boarded. We sat in our seat and caught our breath. I used every trick to keep Bracken occupied. He wanted more and more carrots. He’d dig them out of my bag. I knew it was going to be bad, eating that many carrots that is. The bag was empty. Funny how I kept wanting to keep him calm at times when I was so stressed, and he could completely feel that. We finally landed after what seemed like such a long flight. My nerves were so taxed, I never wanted to think of flying with a little one again (but of course it was so worth it to see family I love so much, to be at the wedding, and I will most certainly be doing it again.) We went down the escalator and saw Jeff. We had missed him so much. We went to get my luggage, but I knew it wouldn’t be there. With how fast we had to get from one plane to the other, I didn’t think the suitcase would have made it. I was right. We went to the desk and answered questions about my luggage. We got in the car and Jeff brought us some snacks to eat. We needed them. We got home and it was cold and rainy out. Jeff had started a fire before he left to pick us up so it would be warm and cozy for us. We got our stuff unloaded and he started making dinner. Bracken fell asleep on the couch for a little bit. He hadn’t had a nap that day. Jeff and I ate our dinner while I told him all about the trip. I had a migraine coming on and I hoped the food would help. What I wanted more than anything was to take a shower, finish my meal, and go to sleep. Bracken woke up and came over on my lap. He had been tossing and turning in his sleep and I knew he wasn’t feeling well. He threw up all over me. He had never thrown up before. It scared him because he didn’t know what was going on. You can guess what was in it: carrots. He kept throwing up. We got in the shower for a few moments to wash off. We came upstairs to bed. The three of us were in a sorry state: I had a migraine, Bracken kept throwing up all night long, and Jeff had incredible tooth pain. Eventually Bracken stopped throwing up and we all got a little bit of sleep. The next day he took the longest nap he’s ever had in his life. We went to sleep so early every night after that, the two of us were pretty exhausted.

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There are so many memories I have from the trip that I will always cherish.
……Standing next to my uncle Dave in the kitchen while we made a delicious meal together, ….the most ridiculously silly dancing that still makes me laugh every time I think of it, ….my sister so sweetly putting eyeshadow and eyeliner on me while I marveled at what a radiant bride she was, ….the way Sam and Thomas looked at each other with so much love in their eyes and the way it filled my heart up every time I saw it, ….my grandma waking up from a nap and saying the kindest words to me right at a moment I really needed to hear them, …..and so much more.
I’m so glad I was able to travel to Wyoming and be a part of their wedding,
I’ll cherish the memories forever.