When I got home from the appointment I had the strong urge to clean, which was pretty normal with all my nesting tendencies, but I felt like I had to do it all right then- that it couldn’t wait till the next day. I had a burst of energy and was going all over the house doing one thing after another. I washed a load of laundry and hung it to dry by the woodstove. Started soaking pinto beans, brown rice, wild rice and almonds in the kitchen. Swept the downstairs. Tidied up. Did dishes. Washed countertops. Then I gathered our beeswax candles and put them on a table in the living room where I wanted to have them lit during the birth. I took Anita’s phone number and put it up on the fridge.
My mom, Julie, and sister, Samantha, both called me and I talked to them on my headset while I worked around the house. My mom said she had a feeling that it was the last time she’d talk to me before the baby was born.
Jeff got the urge to start setting up the birthing tub. I helped him for a little while and then started getting tired and headed upstairs to go to bed. I took a bath before bed and noticed my belly started feeling hard. I wrote in the baby journal about the midwife appointment and then wrote my 10 things in my journal. (Every night I write 10 things I’m grateful for from that day.) As I was finishing that, Jeff called upstairs and told me he had just written a blog post and to check it out. So I read his blog post about being ready for the baby to come (New Blessing Upon Us) and it touched my heart and brought tears to my eyes. Then I turned off all the lights and was ready for a blissful sleep. Jeff hadn’t come to bed yet. He was feeling very inspired and decided to carve in his workshop for awhile before coming up to bed. I could hear his carving tool humming downstairs.
Sleep didn’t come, but a new sensation did. That night, Jeff and I had decided to call contractions “waves.” So I layed in bed, feeling the very first waves. They started around 10 pm. I kept trying to sleep, expecting the strange new feeling to go away, but it just continued. They felt like light pressures coming every 5 to 10 minutes. I wanted to tell Jeff what was happening, but I didn’t want to move. Eventually I went downstairs (around 10:45 -11ish), poked my head in his shop and told him I was feeling kinda funny. I think I told him something felt “different.” We both got excited and Jeff finished getting the birthing tub ready and then started filling it up with warm water. I lit a bunch of beeswax candles (one of my favorite smells in the world) and put on some relaxing music. The lights were dim and the world was quiet. Jeff took a picture of me standing in front of the glowing candles so we would have one more to remember my pregnant belly. I wanted the house in order and everything to be just so. I wanted it to be quiet and peaceful. We were creating a sacred space.
We knew Anita would want to know how far apart the waves were so we started keeping track (10:55…10:58..11…11:02…11:04…11:07…11:09…11:15….) They started out lasting about 30 seconds. After awhile (around 11:30 pm) I called our midwife Anita and told her what was happening. She asked how far apart the waves were and I told her a few minutes. She said to try to get some sleep and rest as much as possible because I was going to need the energy for later. She said to call her as soon as anything changed. Then Jeff and I stopped keeping track of the waves because it felt better to focus on other things and not pay attention to them overly much. We decided we wanted to get the tub all ready before we rested.
The waves continued to get more intense and I got in the birthing tub while Jeff was filling it up (around 12:25 am.) I would put my toe up to the hose and tell him when the water was getting cold. Then he would shut the hose off and let the water heater heat back up. He also heated water on the stove and poured it in. He had gone out to the garden and picked a bunch of yellow nasturtium flowers and put them in. I remember sitting in the tub, listening to the music and watching the flowers float and spin around in the water. Then I would close my eyes and relax into the waves. I loved being in the water, it made the waves so much more comfortable.
A little before 1 am, Jeff brought me some soup. The waves started lasting for about a minute.
Eventually I was getting tired and decided to take Anita’s advice and try to get some rest. I headed upstairs to bed (somewhere between 1-2 am.) Jeff stayed downstairs to finish filling the tub up with water because it had to be full before he could turn the heater on, that would keep the water at a constant temperature. I layed in bed, but couldn’t fall asleep. Then Jeff came up and fell fast asleep. I was so glad he was getting some rest. The waves were feeling more intense so I went into the bathroom, shut the door (so it wouldn’t wake Jeff up) and got into the bathtub. I felt so much more comfortable when I was in the water. Eventually I got back into bed, but every time I started falling asleep, a wave would wake me up. I got back in the bathtub.
In the morning, we came downstairs and Jeff made us a hearty breakfast. I knew I needed lots of nourishment to give me energy. Jeff went down to milk the goats by himself. When he came back in, I made kefir with the milk. I did a few other things around the house, but not much because I wanted to conserve my energy for the birth and not use it doing things around the house. Then I got in the birthing tub. The heater had kept it nice and warm from the night before. I wanted to be in the water all the time.
I called Anita to give her an update (a little before 10 am.) I told her how much I liked being in the water. She was feeling that the water was slowing down my labor and said that I should try to save it for the end for a “special treat.” That was the last thing I wanted to hear, but I trusted her and felt she was probably right.
It was a sunny, warm, gorgeous day outside so Jeff and I went out into the garden. We layed on a blanket and soaked up the sun. I had always dreamed of being in labor outside, but thought the time of year when the baby was due would be too cold and possibly rainy. I felt so grateful to be able to be outside. I decided to stay in the garden as long as I could because I wasn’t so tempted to get in the water when I was out there. I started to get too hot in the sun so I sprayed myself with the hose and then we moved the blanket underneath the apple tree. Jeff went in to make us some food and I stayed out on the blanket and felt the waves wash over me. Jeff brought out lunch and we ate together. Then he went back inside.
The sun shifted and started shining under the apple tree and I got too hot again so I moved to a shady spot by the lavender bed. I felt better, the waves felt better and everything seemed to feel better being outside in nature. The hawk began calling to me. The same hawk that had been circling our house every day. I felt comforted by it’s presence.
Laying on the blanket, nature gave me a gift and taught me a lesson. While I was having a wave, a fly and an ant started to crawl on me. My instinct was to brush them off like I always do. My feeling told me to leave them. A funny thing happened- my brain got distracted by the sensation of the bugs crawling on my skin and focused on that rather than the waves. It made the waves not feel as overwhelming and intense. The brain can only focus on so many things at once. This felt like an epiphany. So I embraced the bugs crawling on me and it helped. It was the first time I felt grateful for the feeling of a bug crawling on me rather than annoyed.
Jeff called out to me that Anita was on the phone. I went inside briefly and talked to her around 2 pm. She felt like something was holding me back and asked me what it was. I told her that I was okay with everything that had happened so far, but I was afraid of what it was going to be like, of what was to come. My brain was afraid, but my body told me to relax and trust. My body said it would be fine every step of the way. To be in the present and take it as it comes. I remember Anita saying beautiful things to me, but I don’t remember what they were anymore. Something about fear and love. Be in love.
I went back out to the garden. After awhile, I told Jeff that he could tell Anita she could start slowly making her way to our place. I felt that by the time they got here I would be ready for them (around 3:30 pm.) They said they’d leave in about an hour (and then it was an hour drive to our place.) In the garden, I found that if I made deep, grounding, rumbling sounds that it helped during waves. The shade felt refreshing and cool. Then the sun shifted and I was getting hot again. This time I embraced it and the warmth of the afternoon sun seemed to relax my muscles and waves a little. I was laying on my side, watching the activity of life around me. In between each wave, I reveled in the feeling of bliss because my body felt so relaxed. I focused on feeling good at these times. I felt so grateful for the deep feeling of peace that would permeate my being. Then I was back in the shade and eventually I got chilly and decided to head back inside.
I layed on my side on the couch. I knew Anita was coming soon with the two other midwives. I kept feeling like I had to go to the bathroom so I would go from there back to the couch. Soon the waves on the couch were feeling too intense for me so I got in the birthing tub. I was afraid that Anita would be upset that I was in the water, but I felt like I needed to. I got in a comfortable position in the tub. The woodstove was going. Candles were lit. The gentle guitar music was playing. I went deep into the waves, relaxing far into them. This is a powerful part of the birth where I was really focused. I was sensitive to noises and I wanted it to be calm. Jeff sat in a chair in the living room and was eating frozen pineapple with a spoon. It was too loud for me and I asked him to eat it in the other room (which we laughed about and thought was pretty funny later.) I was sensitive to light also and liked the lighting to be dim.
I could see the light changing outside. Heard the dogs bark and Anita’s car pull up (around 5:30 pm.) Anita and the two other midwives- Janelle and Heather, came in through the back door, brought their supplies in and gathered in the kitchen. I was in the living room with my eyes closed. I appreciated them giving me the privacy and space I needed at the time. Anita would come in quietly and check on me. She would have me bring my belly to the surface of the water and check the baby’s heartbeat between waves every so often. Her presence felt soothing. The waves were bigger than my physical body. I felt like I was feeling them around me, in a larger invisible body around mine. Slowly, I started feeling like pushing. Jeff had a chair pulled up next to the birthing tub and was constantly by my side. I loved him being there.
Jeff brought me water and put a cool cloth on my head. I started feeling too hot. Anita could tell from baby’s heartbeat that baby was overheated and she had me get out the tub to cool down a little. I went to the bathroom because I felt like I had to go again. I had some waves on the toilet, but when Anita checked baby’s heartbeat she could tell that baby didn’t like that position. So we went back into the living room and I layed on my side on the couch. She could tell from the heartbeat that baby liked that position.
Jeff brought me some cold goat’s milk kefir and it gave me some energy.  At one point when I was pushing, Anita had me reach in and feel the baby’s head. It was amazing. The part of pushing baby out (on dry land) was by far the most intense part of the labor. I prayed to the Angels for help all throughout the birth and especially during that time. We used a lot of different positions (side on the couch, knees on the ground with arms on the couch, squatting with people helping support me- to name a few.) At this point I was surrounded by everyone. They brought me ice, water, cool cloths and helped support me. I held Jeff’s hand through every wave and sometimes Anita’s also.
There were things that popped into my head- fears that other people had told me about birth. It made me realize the power of words and how harmful or healing they can be. I appreciated Anita’s influence throughout my pregnancy and birth because she used her words for healing and they had a positive impact on me.
I had to ride the waves and the momentum would help push the baby out. Each time I wasn’t able to push for very long. Anita said to “put some juice” into it and push harder and longer because the head was just moving back and forth and not making much progress. I felt like my body was doing the pushing and I wasn’t in control at all. My body was going it’s own pace and I didn’t feel like I could hurry things up much. At this point I was incredibly exhausted and hadn’t slept in a very long time. Everyone around me was starting to seem a little concerned. I knew in my heart that the baby was safe and was going to be fine, but I was so tired I didn’t know how I would have the energy to push the baby out. I kept praying to the Angels.
Anita had asked me earlier if my water had broke, I had been in the water a lot so I wasn’t sure. Then Anita saw my water bulging so she knew it hadn’t broke and she reached in and broke my water. Then she put some olive oil on me to help lubricate. I put my arms around Jeff’s neck and squatted while he made deep growling sounds. It helped me push harder. Heather had an inspiration for a new position to try. She brought in a chair from the kitchen and had me put one leg up on the chair, one leg on the ground and squat, while Jeff helped support me. I remember this position as working miracles and was so grateful the idea came to her. It seemed like it dislodged the baby’s head. The baby’s head started coming out and I started really pushing. Anita had me get on my side on the couch to push the baby out. The baby came right out into Jeff’s arms. I looked down at the head, shoulders and upper body that were out and said “You’re almost out baby.” What I saw was the most beautiful and miraculous thing I had ever seen in my life. The baby’s eyes were open and aware and looking at everybody. The legs were still inside of me, but I knew at that moment that it was a boy. I pushed him the rest of the way out and Jeff asked if it was a boy or a girl. I looked. A boy!
Bracken Lee Little Hawk Wilson was born on October 14 at 1:08 am.  6 pounds 13 ounces. Healthy, happy, beautiful. (At first we named him Bracken Lee Wilson, but Jeff had the inspiration for Little Hawk that we added later. I love the way it flows and seems to have a musical quality.)
It was about a 27 hour labor. I pushed for 6 to 7 hours (Anita told me.) It didn’t seem that long to me. I was in an altered state.
They layed Bracken on my chest and Jeff and I loved him up. We were in awe. We wondered if we were dreaming.
They took some blood from the cord to test Bracken’s blood type. Then I passed the placenta, which was “double wrapped” (it had two layers.) Then Anita gave me some stitches because I tore a little bit. Jeff cut the cord. They took some blood out of my arm to see if Bracken and I’s blood had mixed (it didn’t.)
After that I was so relieved. The birth was over, I passed the placenta, the stitches were over and the needle was over. Then it was the fun part- being with Bracken.
One of the midwives, Heather, was pregnant and was having waves. I didn’t know this until the birth was over. I guess as soon as she came to our house she started having them. I was amazed that she was helping support me during positions and taking care of me throughout the birth while she was in labor herself! The waves stopped so she didn’t have the baby that night, but I recently heard she had a baby girl.
I was so grateful to Jeff, Anita, Heather and Janelle for their love and support throughout the birth. I kept thanking them and praising them, calling them all Angels. I felt blessed to have them all there. Jeff felt like a solid rock of love and support throughout the entire birth. He helped me more than I could ever express.
Then all the midwives went home. Bracken slept on my chest and we spent the night on the couch where he was born. Jeff slept downstairs so he could be close to us. My heart felt so big full of love for my two favorite guys.

In the morning we woke up and realized it wasn’t a dream. Bracken was real. Yes, life really was this beautiful.