I felt like I was born into a world where I didn’t belong. No matter how hard I tried to fit in, I just didn’t. I spent my time trying to be normal, be a part of the crowd, but it made me feel a deeper loneliness as I drifted farther and farther from my soul.
I have a moment in my life that will always stand out. I can remember it so clearly. I like to call it my
::moment of freedom::
because that’s what it truly was. It was an epiphany that changed the course of my life forever.
Here’s how it went:
I was sitting in the grass on a beautiful day. I was near a clock tower. Despite the gorgeous fall weather, I felt angst inside me. I had an inner battle going on. People had backpacks on and books in hand, scurrying along the sidewalks to their next class. Time was impending. I needed some peace to calm me so I reached for my notebook and pen. Whenever my brain started getting too noisy, I could reach for it and start doodling. It turned my brain off and gave me relief. My mind went silent quieted down. I doodled and doodled. I let my worries float away a little. I noticed vaguely that there were less and less people around. I could hear the clock chiming. I knew I needed to make a decision. I knew I *should* go to class. I had just started college weeks before and needed to get going to my next class or I would miss it. I mean, wasn’t everyone supposed to go to college? That’s just what you do, right? The thing was, I didn’t want to go to class. At all. My body resisted with all it’s might. And just kept on doodling. The pressure I had been putting on myself was making me miserable. I wanted to do what those around me expected me to do, but that meant ignoring my inner voice, which started building up like a dam inside of me. I didn’t think I could hold it in any longer. The momentum of my Spirit was just too much. And I thought that dam might break.
What if?
What if I didn’t go to class? My brain said “Oh no, you can’t even think like that. You have to go to class.”
This inner battle hadn’t started that day. It had been going on for quite awhile.
Suddenly I thought, with the deepest peace I had felt in so long:
I’m not going because it’s not right for me.
This inner battle hadn’t started that day. It had been going on for quite awhile.
Suddenly I thought, with the deepest peace I had felt in so long:
I’m not going because it’s not right for me.
The relief I felt was indescribable. The weight of years of shoulds and have to’s eased their grip on me.
I felt so free!
Then a friend came strolling by in a hurry, running late for their class.
“Aren’t you going to class? You’re going to be late.”
“Aren’t you going to class? You’re going to be late.”
“I’m not going,” I said.
“You’re not going?”
“Nope.”
They stopped, even though they were in a hurry. They starred at me like I had said the most bizarre thing they’d ever heard.
“What?”
“I’m not going.”
“So, you’re skipping class?”
“I’m not going anymore.”
“At all?”
“Nope.”
“You’re quitting school?”
“I’m just not going anymore.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I’m going to move to Oregon.”
Then they really had to be going and I looked around at the empty quad.
I felt all alone in the place.
It was so quiet.
Everyone was in class.
Except me.
That was my moment of freedom. I stopped going to college. I announced my decision. Some people were downright angry at me. But I felt so relieved I didn’t care as much as I normally would. I saved up just enough money to get out to Oregon. And I left.
I’d only been there once. (To Oregon that is.) But I trusted it was in the right direction. I started in Portland. I still didn’t fit. I still didn’t “belong”, but I was getting closer.
I met Jeff.
And I had never felt so understood by another human being.
When I moved in with him, I savored the relief of his company and these mountains.
In time I started getting comfortable in my own skin.
In time parting from the crowd became easier for me, as I listened to the voice of my soul, rather than the opinions of others.
When people judged my relationship with Jeff because of our age difference, saying it was just plain “wrong” for us to be together, my heart said: there has never been anything more right for you than to be with him.
And I knew it in the deep sigh my whole being felt when he wrapped me in his arms.
When we decided to start our own business with no money to start it, people looked at us like we were completely nuts. My heart said: this is the path for you.
So I trusted it, even when my brain sometimes thought we were crazy too and even when it was a challenge to get the bills paid.
When Jeff and I felt a soul wanting to come through, into our lives and decided to bring a child into the world, some people said we were too poor to have children and were irresponsible to do it until we had a lot more money.
But my heart said: It’s time.
When we wanted to have a homebirth, we were met with some fear by others.
But my heart said: Yes and Jeff’s heart said: Yes.
So we trusted.
When Bracken was born, we intended to listen to our hearts to make decisions.The times we didn’t and instead did what others wanted us to do or we felt we *should* do, were incredibly painful. When I got off track the message was loud and clear. Nope! This isn’t the way for you!
When people judged my parenting decisions, hinting that something was “wrong” with me or I was weird, my heart said: don’t listen.
When I realized that being around some people was harmful for my Spirit, I gave myself space, even though I had to deal with the anger of others. My heart said: Give yourself the space you need. Let others deal with their own reactions to your decisions. It’s none of your business how they respond to your choices.
I knew it was time to stop worrying about what everyone else thought about my life because it was a waste of time that would have me running like a gerbil on a wheel for all time.
I knew it was time to stop worrying about what everyone else thought about my life because it was a waste of time that would have me running like a gerbil on a wheel for all time.
So I took steps to clear my life. To be my authentic self.
Following my heart has not been the easy path. I think the hardest part has been the guilt I felt for not doing what other’s wanted me to do, dragging guilt like the weight of a thousand bricks. I spent too much time thinking I should be different than I am, someone different. Someone who fits in. Someone who gains nods of approval. I spent too much time struggling against who I am and what my soul needs to thrive.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t go to college or that you should start a business with no funds, unless of course your heart is guiding you that way. Those are simply a few examples of what was best for me at the time. I’m just saying that your heart knows what’s best for you and it’s wise to trust it, even if no one else is. Even if you’ll stand alone. You might have people who understand, who will support you. But you might not. You might not be able to explain why to anyone else and maybe not even to yourself. But the why is not important. The brain doesn’t need to figure out where the heart leads. It can faithfully follow the guide, surrendering to your inner voice that will lead you to your highest potential.
What I want to say is:
I’m not saying you shouldn’t go to college or that you should start a business with no funds, unless of course your heart is guiding you that way. Those are simply a few examples of what was best for me at the time. I’m just saying that your heart knows what’s best for you and it’s wise to trust it, even if no one else is. Even if you’ll stand alone. You might have people who understand, who will support you. But you might not. You might not be able to explain why to anyone else and maybe not even to yourself. But the why is not important. The brain doesn’t need to figure out where the heart leads. It can faithfully follow the guide, surrendering to your inner voice that will lead you to your highest potential.
What I want to say is:
The weight of the crowd can be heavy.
The pressure to “stick with the crowd”and “fit in with the group.”
And if you stray?
Feeling like an outcast can feel so painful,
but I’d rather be one
if that means feeling the
Relief of the Soul.
.
Relief of the Soul.
.
Yes, I choose that.
I’m not sure if I’ve commented before, but I just had to this time. This post struck a cord with me, as my husband and I have gone against the grain for so long, I don’t remember what it was like before. You see, we live in the country, have a beautiful son (also born earthside at home), and I work to support our family. We farm and my husband goes to school. We take life slowly, in fact, we are scrutinized for not planning more activities or spending too much time on the farm. We cut out a slice of heaven here, and treasure our time spent intentionally. From your pictures and your blog posts, your life seems beautiful. Such a happiness and warmth there, a love for life that says keep on doing what you are already doing. Have a most blessed week ahead.
Loved this – can soooo relate. Thank you!
awww, I’m so glad you linked that post in your recent blog post. I never read this one before as I didn’t know your blog until last year or so…but this is exactly what I believe in – follow your heart, follow your instincts- whereever they may lead you, it will be the right decisions you’re making!
I wrote a similar guest post for a parenting blog a few weeks ago 🙂
We sound like kindred spirits Sonja. 🙂 If you feel inspired to, I’d love to read your post if you want to share the link. 🙂