Jeff’s mom, Gloria, passed away towards the end of last week. Jeff’s nephew called to tell him the news and we’re grateful he did because I’m not sure if anyone would have told us if he hadn’t. I had not written about it yet and honestly, I wasn’t sure what I was going to say here because it’s hard to know the words. I thought if I waited a few days it would be easier, but it’s still hard. I knew I wanted to choose my words carefully, and should any of Jeff’s family members ever read this, my intention is not to hurt feelings (or add more of a rift in the family than there already is), but to just share things from our perspective. So, to be honest, I will say: Jeff’s mother disowned us years ago.
I never met Jeff’s father. I met his mother twice, after Jeff and I had been married and living together for five years I believe, and was hopeful that we would be able to have a relationship. After the second meeting, she sent us an e-mail that was extremely demeaning and hurtful. (That’s a nice way of putting it.) I was shocked, but we still tried to keep things as peaceful as possible. And then after Bracken’s birth, another sour communication. I’ll leave it at that. Jeff tried to communicate and work some issues out between them, but she disowned us and wouldn’t have any more communication with us at all. When she sent out family e-mails, we were told that she would mention all of her family, but exclude our names and act like the three of us didn’t exist at all. She organized a family reunion, with “everyone” there, and of course we weren’t told about it or invited. Who knows what she told other family members about us, but I’d say she probably did a pretty good job turning the family against us, which saddens me. She never met her grandson.
Jeff had a strange upbringing. When he said his home was sterile, quite literally he and his siblings were only allowed to walk across the parts of the floor that were covered in plastic and the plastic on the couches only came off when guests were at the house. But it wasn’t that so much which made things feel sterile, it was the feeling of coldness. Jeff never, ever felt loved by his mother throughout his entire life, though he certainly tried everything to win her approval, until he eventually gave up on that. And he doesn’t have a single happy memory with his mom. I can’t tell how much that breaks my heart.
The picture above is Jeff’s dad, sister, mom, and brother, taken in November 1968. Jeff is not in the picture because he was the one taking it. It’s one of the only family pictures from his youth that he has. There was a lot of secrecy and unanswered questions in his family. And there are many things he will probably never know the answers to now. (Though he did ask questions and certainly tried to find some clarity, it wasn’t received well.) Growing up, sometimes his parents were very vague about who they worked for and what they did for a living. When he was in his fifties his parents sent out an e-mail to friends and family saying “As you all know, we worked in the U.S Government Intelligence Community…” It was stated matter-of-factly, but that was the very first time Jeff had ever heard that.
There’s a lot of heartache there, as you can probably tell. And there are so many things I really want to say, but feel that I shouldn’t. I know we are not the only family members who experienced Jeff’s mom’s hurtful behavior, but I will let others speak for themselves. Jeff did have a good relationship with his grandmother (on his mother’s side) though. She was a dear woman. When Jeff grew up, he knew he wanted to homestead like his Aunt Isla and Uncle Lee and create a life similar to theirs, because there was so much love in it. When I think about his life growing up, it hurts me to imagine what he must have felt like. He ended up being a lone ranger in his life, not relying on anyone but himself. I do know what it’s like trying to jump through hoops to get someone to love you, to no avail, but not with my mother. I think about my relationship with my own mom and how central it is to my life. I truly can’t imagine what I would do without her constant support and encouragement, but most importantly: her love. Her unconditional love has helped to get me through the hardest of times.
Though I wish Jeff’s childhood and family life could have been different, as he says: “It is what it is.” I’m sad that Gloria is gone and nothing can be resolved, but mostly I’m sad for the way things always were. Rest In Peace, Gloria.
i am so sorry to hear of Jeff’s mom’s passing especially since she didn’t make amends with Jeff and his family before she died. Families are such complicated things! Mine, too, was very dysfunctional in many ways all the while looking normal to outsiders. You and Jeff have built a beautiful life and a beautiful family. His mother has missed out on so much! God bless all of you!
After reading your post I feel sorry. It is so sad that there are kids that grow up without any love- despite having parents. I have such a strong relation ship with my family that I can hardly understand how things can be different. I am happy though, that you share so much love in your own little family and that Jeff found you and did get to experience love in the end.
You found just the right words, Taryn, because they came from your heart. You are such a kind, caring person. You and Jeff are giving Bracken a warm, loving childhood that he will carry with him into adulthood. Sadly, Jeff’s experience with his mother is not uncommon. My late husband had a very difficult relationship with his mother, as did I. My own mother was a very unhappy person who had multiple addictions. She did not have a kind word to say about anyone, not even me. When she was near the end of her life I took a leave of absence from work & spent the last 6 weeks at her bedside. Her last words to me were “You were a terrible daughter, such a disappointment”, which just broke my heart. I decided early on to make a concerted effort to be completely different. I raised my son with 100% love, and now, at age 36, he and I are still so very close. I am sorry Jeff’s relationship with his mother was so painful, but you and Bracken have given him the gift of your love, and the most loving family a person could hope for. Bless your heart.
Warm Regards,
Lisa in Lake Oswego, OR .
Maybe all these mean parents are angels in ugly costumes.
What kind, generous, loving children they produced! Can someone be gentler, kinder and more creative than Jeff?
And how about Lisa up here? Wouldn’t anyone want a neighbor, friend, mother like her?
I am sorry you had to suffer so much. But it seems to have been so ridiculously hard that one has to wonder if the whole purpose of it was to elevate the next generation.
Blessings on your kind souls
Hi Taryn, well written.
I have grown up with a very strange relationship with my parents too.
They never loved me, not real love.
They disowned me when I got married and had a baby too.
They wished lots of hurtful things on me and the baby while I was pregnant – still I kept going to them looking for love..
I don’t even know where they live.
This was 12 years ago.
I saw something on Oprah years ago, a wise old woman who was black and raised by a white family in a white neighbourhood, and had lived quite a life. She was giving advice to a young gay man who kept going back to his family for love and they kept hurting him. She said – let them come to you.
So I took her advice for my setting, stopped writing to them and being ignored, and I could grieve the loss then.
A few months ago my mother started sending me short odd emails, as though nothing had ever happened, and as if we spoke all the time, but really strange cryptic messages. Over a third of my life she has ignored me.
It was going to keep happening so I replied. I wrote that over 12 years ago she had disowned me, and that I forgave her. I also asked her to leave me alone. That may sound bad, but I just can’t be pretending nonsense. Those very sensitive years with a new baby, then more children, and I had all that rubbish.
I’ve moved on. If they want to know me, they can do it properly, talking, visiting, normal interaction.
People are really strange.
You guys are so lovely, you work well as a unit. I’m sorry for your loss.
Helena
I don’t know if it is a generational thing, but my own story mirrors many of the comments. The book “Toxic Parents and Their Hurtful Legacy” changed the way I could deal with my personal life and childhood. What I do take comfort in, is that I’m a totally different mom because of my own experiences, and because didn’t want to continue the cycle. Everyone has a path, and should be responsible and accountable for their own behavior. I loved my mom but didn’t like her as a person, and would never have chosen her, even as a friend. But, we don’t have a choice in parents, just a chance to be better and different. A loving environment is happiness, joy, and peace. Move forward and don’t grieve for what could have, or might have been. My condolences for your family’s loss.
I too can understand – not for myself – but for my husband. Thankfully, at the very last (approx 1 month before my m-i-l crossed over) she did make amends. It’s too bad that my husband has no happy memories growing up. But since his mother’s passing, he is now very close to 2 of his 3 siblings. He is on speaking terms with the 4th, but they are not what you would call ‘close’. He father married a (fill in the blank) woman who has cleaned out his bank account and is waiting (semi patiently) to ‘die already. He is 97. Do not feel sorry for him. If you look up ‘evil’ in the dictionary – his picture is there.
You and Jeff have my thoughts and prayers
That’s so sad. But I can see and feel all the love that you give as a mother and a wife. Jeff is very fortunate to have you in his life. Hugs to you all.
Thank you for sharing such a painful post. My thoughts are with you both. I am so grateful that Jeff has such an amazing family of his own. He deserves this having such a good heart and being such a loving man. I am sad for his mom.
How very very sad. I got emotional reading this, because I was thinking about my own husband’s childhood. Things were harsh. I pray now that his siblings will get in touch and a relationship can be restored. Bless that nephew : )
You have written this so kindly. I am so sorry for all the hurt, hold on and pour your love into your own little precious family, you have so much love there. x
It is what it is. I know a version of Jeff’s story very well. My mom and I lived about ten miles from each other and somehow our paths never crossed for 15 years. I got the phone call and was with her when she passed in July 2012. Oh she had a sad life. The grief that continues is something that can not be explained. I have tried to find the words for my grown kids who have many questions, that there are no answers to. Sometimes that is the answer. It’s just the way it is. And you just continue on.
Hoping for peaceful and calm moments in these days that follow for your family.
I am an admitted idealist who longs for a Utopain world made of cotton candy where everyone gets along. No big surprise this has caused me quite a bit of anxiety in my life when met with reality! It is so hard to wish for a better relationship with people. You keep thinking, “It shouldn’t be this way” and it is so hard to realize sometimes it just is. Truly accepting people for who they are, even when that means they are unkind, is the hardest thing I’ve had to do and I struggle with it daily. This post is lovely and shows you all have come much farther in this effort than I have! Thank you for sharing what really amounts to a lovely tribute to the three of you and your own family of origin and for the inspiration to learn to truly “let it be.” Peace!
Oh Taryn, I think you found the words just right. I’m so sorry. Like you – my mother is such a positive supporter in all I do. But my husband’s relationship with his father was strange and absent. When he passed away, I had to get ahold of my husband on the ship he was stationed on. The whole thing was so awkward and hard. So many old hurt feelings tend to resurface. I think the hardest thing was knowing that there really weren’t any other chances to patch things up. Coming to grips with that was so sad. Especially as such loving family oriented people. Sending you so much love. xo~
So sorry…..sending lots of love and hugs your way…..
Families can be difficult. I am sorry for your families loss in more ways than one and I am so happy that you three have manifested your hearts desire. Love and hugs to you all….especially that little beam of light Bracken
Such a heartfelt post – what a blessing that Jeff chose a different life and a different way to be with his own family…that is probably the best gift from all of this. You and Bracken are so very lucky xo
Their faces all look so cold and vacant 🙁 happy that you have created a warm and happy environment for Bracken:)
Hugs to your family. My mom passed away on Dec 2nd from cancer, I was by her side off and on the whole week that week, it was excruciating. Unhealthy mother/child relationships are so complex. My mom was a narcissist who had a rough childhood. She never really learned how to love. I feel like I’ve run through every emotion in the book…sorrow, anger at her, regret that we will never have a chance to heal our relationship (there’s always that hope no matter how often they let us down), love, some amount of relief…it just goes on and on. The emotions and grieving process are just…weird. Hugs, hugs, hugs. I get it. 🙁 I am sorry for both your loss.
I am so sorry that there has been so much loss, physical and emotional. It speaks volumes about the determination of the human spirit that you and your husband have created such a loving home for your little boy and that you cherish each other, determined not to let the past define current relationships.
What a sad loss, in so many ways.
We also experienced loss last week…my husbands mom passed. We can also, sadly, relate to your story of Jeff’s upbringing. Not to his extreme but both my husband and I had lonely and sad childhoods and pain as adults. Losing his mom was sad for us. Not just losing that person but losing the chance for it to ever be like it should have been. I lost my father years ago and felt that keenly..knowing that I’d never feel the love I so desperately wanted. My heart aches for Jeff…and you. Its a time of mixed emotions…so many feelings. I still have my mother here but its not a close relationship and I doubt it ever will be. Cherish your mama. (I know you do) and I’m proud to be a good mama to my kids as you are to Bracken. Its all we can do. Much love and condolences from our family to yours.
So sorry for your loss – both now and over the years, for Jeff and for all of your family. It sounds like you and Jeff have tried your best and I’m sure peace will be found someday. I hope it comes to you soon and the rift with the rest of the family can be mended somehow.
What heartfelt post and so kindly and generously put when there is a lot of hard times and hurt from the past there.
Blessings to you guys for trying hard to make peace in person, even though that was rebuffed and for the neat little family that you’ve made. I love reading your blog and your reminders to get outdoors, to live to your values, cherish your family and enjoy some crafting.
I love the book by Jeanette Winterton (I think i’ve spelt that wrongly!) called ‘Why be happy when you can be normal’, something said to her by her mum! She looks back on her hardships and reasons that despite it all, its her life and she wouldn’t have the great life she does if it weren’t for the difficulties that shaped her growing up.
All good things to you and yours
So sorry, ((hugs))
Mothers. Imagine me saying that with a deep sigh. I have a distant relationship with my own mother, who abandoned her children when I was just a baby. I’m now in my 30, and have only seen her a few times. Last spring I met with her again after not seeing her in a decade, and I was told lies and witnessed disprespect of her husband, her children, and myself, and it was so heartbreaking that I closed that door in my heart. The only consolation that I tell myself is that “I love, I am loved, and I can surround myself with mothering women”. Sadly, the only legacy my mother left me is that I can say I’m proud I’m not like her. Much love to you and your little family, hugs to Jeff, much love to your own mother, and peaceful thoughts to Gloria.
P.S. I’m pretty much a “long time listener, first time caller”. This post really spoke to me, and I had to comment. I love your blog!
I can relate to your comment and to the post. My mother has always been distant and manipulative and cruel. It was a bit of a comfort to me to learn that she really was not able to be any other way.
We have a large family and she has always been negative and mean about my pregnancies, to the extent that we simply stopped telling her when I was pregnant. She has rejected me and my husband and our children over and over, and then doesn’t understand why we limit our relationship with her.
We have some contact still, but it is strained. I dread receiving a call from someone that she is in the hospital or dead. Things are difficult on the other side of our family as well, as my MIL has spoken about me to others and to our children in a nasty way. She has also shown herself to be willing to undermine us as parents as well as to use deceit to get her way. She has been better than my mother, so we have more contact with her, but it’s gotten worse over the years. Meanwhile, our fathers have been loving and respectful. It’s a shame, really. And we are trying to remember this in how we deal with our adult children and their spouse, since our eldest is 17 and will turn 18 this year.
Needless to say, I am sorry for all who grieve in this way.
So sorry! I understand…I have had similar issues and I know it’s a hard road…I have been reading Ditch the Baggage, by Nancy Alcorn…I don’t know what your beliefs are but I have found it to be very comforting and healing. Hugs to you.
What a gracious post. I am so happy Jeff is surrounded by love in your little family! Blessings.
My heart is crying for your little family. . I can see in the pictures you share how much love there is in your house. May you take comfort and strength in the love that you are.