When I think about the past year, it was a hard one for our family in many ways. Physically, financially, emotionally, spiritually. Just everything. Jeff struggled with debilitating sciatic pain, making the simple task of walking extremely painful and even nearly impossible at times. Being a guy always on the go made that challenging enough, not to mention a business and homestead to run. We learned that Bracken had a neurological speech disorder called apraxia of speech, and his communication was a constant source of frustration for him. Not only was talking hard, but each and every word and sound. I had an experience that deeply shook my sense of safety in the world and began struggling with chronic fear. It wasn’t as much what happened, but the energy behind it that was so startling and traumatizing for me. Those were some of our personal struggles, added on top of all the other challenges we came across. Daily life around here requires so much- to keep everybody fed, to keep things flowing smoothly, to be a parent, and to run a business. It seems there’s always a tool or appliance breaking down and then add bigger challenges on top of that and it can feel like a lot some days.

I’ve faced challenges throughout my life, as we all do, but I feel like this year especially has made me stronger than I’ve ever been before. I’ve found myself getting more sentimental, being struck by simple moments of beauty, frozen to the spot as I’ve realized how precious it is. Tears come to my eyes more easily when I am so touched by something. My heart has opened wider. My gratitude has deepened. I don’t know how to explain it really, only that this past year I’ve felt softened and yet strengthened all at the same time. I’ve been reminded to not take anything for granted, not walking, or talking, or feeling safe in the world, or even getting the bills paid. To be alive is such a gift. To have loved ones, good food to eat, and a roof over our heads, what a blessing that is.

This past year (and even longer) I’ve watched as Jeff was humbled and yet determined at the same time. I watched as he slowed down, took better care of his body, and was more gentle on himself, treating himself more kindly. I watched as he slowly learned to accept help a little more easily, which is something he’s never liked to do. He never gave up, no matter how discouraged he felt. He said no to the two options his doctor gave him: surgery or lifelong pain meds. He continued to educate himself and search for solutions. He tried physical therapy and it was a good learning experience for him. When that was done, he connected with a wonderful chiropractor, which brought relief. Then he began a daily exercise and stretching routine that improved his condition so much, he lengthened the time between his chiropractic visits to a month. (Before making it one week was barely possible.) He still has a ways to go and still struggles, but he’s come so far from where he was and has made such incredible progress.

I’ve watched Bracken’s strong will, his continued determination to communicate, no matter how frustrating. I’ve watched him work so hard at speech therapy and constantly at home to overcome his challenges and improve his speech. I’ve watched as other children could speak so easily without a second thought, and yet each and every word was so hard for him to say. I’ve watched him beam with pride after much practice and finally feeling like he was able to say a word he really wanted to. I’ve felt completely exhausted by his frustration and completely proud of his hard work. I’ve watched his progress with a year of practicing, and heard from family and friends that they’ve noticed a lot of improvement too. I’ve marveled at how strong his spirit is and I’ve been in awe of how brightly he shines when he’s surrounded by people he loves and things that make him happy. And sometimes I wonder about how strong he will be, after having to work so hard in life for something that comes so easily for others. How will it serve him in his future?

And I’ve watched myself as I’ve faced my fears. I’ve realized that if I hadn’t had that unpleasant experience that one day, I wouldn’t have searched out a self-defense class, which I had felt for so many years would be a good thing for me to do. I wouldn’t have met the amazing community there and connected with so many awesome women, whom I’m so glad to know. Strong women who have become role models for me and who I look up to. I’ve watched  myself as I’ve stepped further out of people-pleasing mode and more into my authentic self. I’ve watched as I’ve become more comfortable in standing up for myself and being stronger in myself. I’ve grown better at trusting my intuition without a second thought, not doubting and second guessing myself so much, and better at staying in my center. I’ve watched as I’ve let go, even if just a little bit, of being overly concerned with what everyone around me is thinking about what I’m doing. If my intuition guides it and it feels right in my heart, that’s enough for me.

I’ve been humbled by the people who have helped carry things to our car after a fair when walking became too painful for Jeff and I had my hands full. I’ve been so grateful as friends have stopped, looked into Bracken’s eyes, and taken the time to try to really understand what he is saying to them. I’ve been so thankful for the awesome ladies who volunteer their time to help empower women and who have helped me with every class they teach.

I believe that challenges bring blessings when we look for them, and are often much easier to see in hindsight. When I’ve thought about some of the challenges we’ve faced throughout the last year, in addition to all of us strengthening areas and becoming stronger, one blessing shining through it all is that everything that has happened has brought us closer together as a family. We have to work as a team to get things done around here on a daily basis, but especially when things are harder than usual. I feel our bond is even stronger than ever as we’ve helped each other and our love for one another has deepened.

Whenever you go through challenging times, you learn who you can really count on and who will be there for you when you need someone most. You learn who will listen when you need someone to talk to, who will encourage you on your hardest days and during your hardest moments, to say the words you so needed to hear. You learn who will love you unconditionally and without judgement, and who will keep on loving you through it all. There have been different periods in my life when I’ve really learned who those people are for me, which is a blessing in itself (and also a bit saddening to realize those you can’t count on, making the ones you can even more appreciated.) And I do my best to not take them for granted and to be there for them as they’ve been for me. Something for us all to remember is: whoever those people are for you, tell them how much you love them every day, they are a gift that help get you get through the bumps of life and celebrate with you through all the goodness. They are precious. Hug them and then hug them some more.

Yep, this past year was a hard one for all of us in many ways, sometimes feeling like it was stretching us to our capacities and requiring more patience and energy than we were even capable of. But this next year? It’s going to be a good year. I know, the challenges won’t magically disappear, they never will. How would we learn and grow without them? But a good year, nonetheless. How can I say so with such certainty? Because no matter what happens, no matter what challenges we face, I will choose to see the good in those experiences. Even if some time passes before I’m able to. Even if I forget and wonder “why is this happening?” before I come back to center, knowing there’s a reason for it all. I will do my best to focus on the bigger picture, the higher purpose, and the hidden gifts. I’m reminded by my loved ones that everything happens for a reason. And I know it does. There is a reason for it all, even if I don’t know what it is, I can still trust that it’s there.

Isn’t it funny the way we label everything that happens to us and all we experience in life as “good” or “bad”? What if we focus on finding the good things in all of our experiences? The hidden gifts? What if we ask how we can learn from it? Grow from it? What if we choose to wonder what good came of it? We can remember what’s really important, by choosing what our hearts want to focus on. That, I believe, is how we can really tap into the magic of our lives.